feel_nevermore | Raven's IC contact (Adstringendum)

Once. A little while ago. His Shadow took over and I defeated it... Or rather my demon self did. ...The excess of negative feelings tend to pull it to the surface.

But this time, it was different. Alex had lost his heart to the Heartless. And so he couldn't feel anything anymore. And he... he seemed content that way. [She shifts uncomfortably against him.]

[He nods, sympathetic to her, empathetic to Alex.]

Going so long feeling other people's negative emotions must be...exhausting. If he felt nothing, though, then he was simply numb. He wasn't living, merely existing.

[She nods, grateful that once again Horst seems to understand.] That's what I thought too but... Was it my place to choose for him?

There are over nobodies here. I've had friends among them and... [Killing Alex because he had become one felt like she had been an hypocrite all along.] But with them, it's always felt different. I mean, it never felt like they were numb. They just seemed to be dealing with emotions differently. ...Not Alex.

First off...yes. You were there. It's the same as if you had found someone bleeding to death by the side of the road; you can choose to help them or let them die. I think you chose the right way.

And secondly, I never got to interact with any of them. How were your friends different?

I was there... I... chased him. I fought him. [She bites her lips. She's not convinced yet but Horst's words are comforting.] But what you're saying... That's the way I felt. That I couldn't just look away and pretend everything was alright only because it would have been easier.

Because they still had the same personality. Still had the same goals. And they... regretted the ability to feel things that they had lost. [Even if they wouldn't always admit it. But Raven could tell.]

Then don't let yourself worry that it wasn't the perfect decision. You made the right one; that's the best you could possibly do. Whatever improvements he needs in his life, he couldn't have made them without your help.

[Raven sighs and nods.] ...Alright. If you say it is, then I'm gonna believe you. And move on. [She braces herself and for the first time in days, gives him a genuine smile.] Danke schön, meine Liebe.

[he knows it won't be an overnight change for her. He knows it's going to take time. But it feels like it's been so long since she last smiled, and he nods.] Have you spoken to him since it happened?

[Her smile fades briefly at his question, but she nods.] He came to see me. He... wanted to give me a Christmas gift. [Sounds surreal. You kill someone and the first thing they do after being brought back is to come visit you and give you a present.]

I think that's a sign he's not angry. [He doesn't say that lightly; he wants Raven to be able to see the evidence that Alex doesn't hate her for what she did.] Did you let him?

...Eventually, yes. [He had to be pretty persistent, though.]

He told me he wasn't angry. He... apologized.

[He apologized? Horst raises his eyebrows but doesn't ask. He's spoken to Alex briefly and he's not very surprised.]

What did you tell him?

At first I got, well, upset. Because he's the one who had to pay a death price. So I didn't understand why he would be the one apologizing to me.

Do you understand now?

[She nods.] He does not regret asking me to bring him back if he ever lost himself... But when he did, he hadn't thought I might ever have to kill him to do so. He apologized because he felt guilty for the... 'negative emotions'... [Pain, grief, guilt.] I had felt because of him.

I spoke to him a few days ago. Not about much...he seems like a good man. Someone with good judgment. Now I know it's because of his empathic abilities. If he still likes you--well he probably sees something very good in you.

He is. And his judgement does not only comes from his empathic abilities. He's a sensitive and sensible person. [And she cares about him a lot. Because they're so much a like. Just like Killua before him, Alex has become like a little brother to Raven.]

I... don't know what he sees in me. But I'm grateful he came to see me. [Because she realizes now how stupid of her it had been to try and stay away from him after he was brought back. She was only hurting the both of them.]

[He nods, glad--even proud of her--for how she's handling this.]

How does he handle so many negative emotions?

Well I guess it's like me when I take pain from people. As long as he controls the process and doesn't accumulate too many of them inside of him, it's fine.

Negative emotions make his Shadow stronger, just like they fuel my demon side and make me more susceptible to evil. But the difference is that Alex can't survive for too long without others' negative emotions. That's what makes it tricky.

In this place I'm surprised he hasn't overdosed. [That's not cynicism, so much as respect. That's a very fine balance to walk in a place where nearly everyone is homesick or terrified or grieving.]

Well actually... he has. Once. I mean his Shadow took over and I had to fight him. [Though she managed not to kill him back them.]

I'm teaching him meditation. We meet almost every day. It seems to help. [At least that's what Alex says.]

Does it help you? [With the guilt, he means. Guilt can eat you alive.]

[She quirks a quizzical eyebrow, not sure what he means. But after a few seconds, she realizes what he's asking and she shrugs.] I guess it does... to some extent. Meditation is my refuge. It's always been. [Though not as much as she would have liked it too.] But I think in this particular case, talking with you helped me more.

[It surprises him that she says it. She's such an independent person, there are times he wonders how he helps her--he knows he does, or they wouldn't be as close as they are, but it's hard to picture her faced with a problem she can't tackle.]

I'm glad. ...My ego loves you tonight, Spatzi. [He winks, but his smile is very warm and intimate.]

[Raven snorts softly at that.] Let it love me tonight. It can go back to hating me again tomorrow.

[She kisses his cheek gently.] Thank you.

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